My best teachers are often the people who come to AWARE for services. I\u2019ll never forget the first time I met with a mother I will call Arlene, stunned to learn from her daughter that the child\u2019s father was molesting her. As she took this in, I witnessed her world crash down on her before my very eyes. She seemed to be in a state of shock. This was her husband, whom she loved and with whom she had created what she perceived to be a safe and loving home. He was not the man she thought he was. Yet, this mother didn\u2019t hesitate for a moment \u2014 she contacted AWARE, the police department, child protective services and other personal supports. Her first concern was for her daughter\u2019s immediate and long-term safety. She wanted her husband out of the home and in jail. For her, the marriage was over. The fact that she was now singularly responsible for putting food on the table, paying the mortgage, credit cards, health insurance coverage and more, was small compared to her responsibility to help her daughter heal and feel safe. With the knowledge that her daughter was being sexually abused by the man whose job it was to keep her safe, her world had shifted profoundly.<\/p>\n
Arlene\u2019s response to her daughter\u2019s abuse is what we like to expect from victims, based on stories we hear in the media and in movies. It sounds like what a \u201cgood\u201d mother would do. However, reality is often more complex. While I understand the response of mothers like Arlene, I also understand the response of mothers, and others, unlike Arlene. It\u2019s difficult for people to believe a person whom they love or care about, with whom they socialize, work or pray, could intentionally harm a child. Worlds turn upside down. Some of the same issues the child is dealing with \u2014 safety, trust, betrayal, loss, grief \u2014 become our issues as well. It\u2019s overwhelming. When it\u2019s real, not just a story you\u2019ve heard, it can feel so complicated \u2014 less clear-cut.<\/p>\n
We watch people who choose sides, who come to the defense of the person who molested the child. \u201cIt\u2019s he said, she said.\u201d \u201cYou don\u2019t know the whole story.\u201d \u201cHe would never do something like that.\u201d \u201cThis could ruin his life.\u201d When people rally round the offender, everyone \u2014 the victim, the victim\u2019s family, the offender \u2014 gets the message that it\u2019s the offender who is being victimized. It\u2019s difficult to promote healing for victims, abusers, and communities when we retreat to protecting offenders, and protecting ourselves from the painful reality of sexual assault.<\/p>\n
We can all contribute to healing for the victim, particularly if we can be present and listen with understanding and compassion. If it\u2019s too painful to listen, we can at least say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry this happened to you.\u201d \u201cYou didn\u2019t do anything wrong.\u201d \u201cYou deserve to be safe.\u201d<\/p>\n
We can all contribute to healing for the offender. We call this accountability. Healing for the offender begins when he admits his crime, apologizes, and asks for our support so that he doesn\u2019t offend again. In this, his integrity is somewhat resuscitated despite the harm he has caused. Accountability is not about making excuses or letting someone off easy because we know his family or he goes to our church, because he\u2019s charming or good looking or tall, because he\u2019s Caucasian or has a good job or is a really nice guy, because we don\u2019t believe he could intentionally harm another person, because it must\u2019ve been a misunderstanding, because, because, because… Accountability is us taking responsibility to encourage and inspire the offender into taking responsibility for his actions and behaviors.<\/p>\n
You might be thinking \u2014 what if I genuinely believe that it might not be true? What if I don\u2019t support his accountability because I really don\u2019t know if he\u2019s guilty of doing this terrible thing? For most of us, we don\u2019t have to investigate or decide beyond a reasonable doubt innocence or guilt. But we do have a job \u2014 we have to understand that what we say influences everyone around us \u2014 victim, perpetrator, family, community \u2014 and our words carry weight. Our words carry weight as individuals, agencies and institutions. We need to say things we know to be true and healing, \u201cChildren deserve to be safe.\u201d \u201cI find it difficult to believe you did this, and if you did, I hope you\u2019ll take responsibility for it.\u201d \u201cPurposely harming the people you love is unacceptable.\u201d All children should be believed when they ask for help. It\u2019s my job, and all our jobs, to be there when they need us.<\/p>\n
From a place of love, Arlene chose to believe, support and protect her child, report the abuse and hold the offender accountable, and adapt to her new reality. When we as individuals, systems and communities support victims and hold offenders accountable for their words and actions, we are supporting all on a tremendous healing path. If we truly want to support the offenders and the victims, if we truly want to prevent the violence that is preventable in our communities, we must face the abused and the abuser squarely, but only after we face ourselves and reflect on our part in both perpetuating and ending violence.<\/p>\n
If you or someone you know is need of safety or support, please contact Aiding Women in Abuse & Rape Emergencies (AWARE) at 586-1090 or 1-800-478-1090.<\/em><\/p>\n \u2022 Saralyn Tabachnick is Executive Director at AWARE, where she has worked since 1987.<\/p>\n Read more Opinion:<\/p>\n Letters from a lawmaker, and the precarious power of elected officials as private citizens<\/a><\/p>\n Alaska Editorial: Time to move ‘Into the Wild’ bus<\/a><\/p>\n