It\u2019s been a month since less than half the country somehow elected our 45th president. But I\u2019ll tell you, while he hasn\u2019t even taken office yet Donald Trump is already making me a better person.<\/p>\n
Seriously.<\/p>\n
For one, I\u2019ve started serving my wife coffee every morning while she gets herself ready for work; and we\u2019re talking fresh-ground artisan roast, too. I mean, the woman watched her lifelong dream of a female presidency go up in smoke (or, more accurately, a miasma of Success for Men). The least I can do is bring her some coffee. Hell, I\u2019ll fix her breakfast, too \u2014 I mean, if she ever regains her appetite.<\/p>\n
In similar spirit, thanks to President-elect Trump \u2014 sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth there, myself \u2014 I\u2019ve redoubled my efforts at controlling my temper, ever since the second debate, actually. That\u2019s the last thing anybody needs, to be menaced by another big, angry, orange man.<\/p>\n
And the list goes on. Donald Trump has also inspired me to: get back in shape; donate to the American Civil Liberties Union; re-read Kurt Vonnegut; listen to more Pete Seeger; scrape the eagle poop off our living room window (specifically because that\u2019s something he\u2019d never do) and walk around dispensing cheesy, bumper sticker-like advice such as, \u201cCommit random acts of kindness,\u201d \u201cBe the change you want to see in the world\u201d and, \u201cWar is not the answer (unless the question is which funk band scored a Top 10 hit with the 1975 single \u2018Why Can\u2019t We Be Friends?\u2019).\u201d<\/p>\n
But perhaps most importantly, these days, I\u2019m really focused on the Geoff Kirsch brand.<\/p>\n
In fact, I\u2019m planning on releasing my own fragrance: \u201cSlacker for Men.\u201d It smells like coffee and pallet fires, with just the faintest hint of BO. It\u2019s gonna be huge \u2014 YUGE!<\/p>\n
Also, look for my forthcoming lines of gourmet steaks, designer neckties and luxury hotels, you know, as soon as my dad comes through with that million-dollar start-up loan… Oh! And if any of you know of a reality game show that needs hosting, I\u2019m totally available. I\u2019d even be willing to get hand augmentation surgery.<\/p>\n
In the meantime, I can roll out one product immediately, right in time for the holidays. This year, give the gift that keeps on giving: me.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s right. Geoff Kirsch, now available for hire as a one-on-one writing coach and editor.<\/p>\n
OK, I know what you\u2019re thinking. Rest assured this isn\u2019t some phony \u201cKirsch University\u201d scam. I\u2019m offering honest-to-goodness motivation, education and expertise in fiction, non-fiction, memoir and humor writing. Together, we\u2019ll identify your goals and tailor an individualized plan. All levels welcome, from enthusiastic beginner to aspiring professional \u2014 even if you\u2019ve never written a word (but always talk about it; you know who you are).<\/p>\n
Think of me as a \u201cpersonal trainer,\u201d only without the rock-hard abs.<\/p>\n
IMHO, I make a great gift, especially for the hard-to-shop-for. As such, I\u2019m offering a holiday special on three- and 10-packs of one-hour sessions. And not just in Juneau, either; I\u2019ll work with anyone, anywhere, provided you\u2019ve got internet access, or at the very least, a postal address.<\/p>\n
Because it\u2019s the holidays, I thought I\u2019d give everyone a little gift, myself \u2014 a free sample, if you will. It works for Costco; how else did I wind up with five pounds of Brazilian cheese bread?<\/p>\n
Anyway, here are my Top 5 tips on writing. You know, if you want to take advice from a guy who moved from New York to Alaska to become a professional writer:<\/p>\n
1. Relax. Put on some music, pour yourself a drink, spark up a doobie, even, if you\u2019re of legal age and made it to Rainforest Farms before they sold out. Which brings me to the next tip…<\/p>\n
2. Have fun. That\u2019s the reason to write anything. It\u2019s certainly not the money. When I break down how many hours of the last 20 years I\u2019ve spent writing, and the total earnings it\u2019s yielded, I\u2019d have done better selling encyclopedias door-to-door. So why have I kept at it all this time \u2014 especially when I typically quit everything else? Because it\u2019s fun. Frustrating sometimes, but ultimately fun.<\/p>\n
3. Show, don\u2019t tell. Except graphic love scenes. Those are next to impossible to write well, and believe me, I\u2019ve tried. Oh, how I\u2019ve tried.<\/p>\n
4. Making people laugh is a craft; making them cry is an art. The trick is doing both.<\/p>\n
5. The world has plenty of writers; it has only one person with your experiences, your emotions, your perceptions of the life you lead and the world you live in. Writing gives it all voice \u2014 and that\u2019s the real gift that keeps on giving.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Geoff Kirsch is a Juneau-based writer and humorist. In addition to his award-winning column \u201cSlack Tide\u201d in the Juneau Empire, his work has appeared in\/on Comedy Central, Huffington Post and the WGN America network, plus a variety of national, state and local media outlets; in 2011, he published the book-length \u201cRun For Your Life Doomsday 2012!\u201d (Workman NYC). Geoff holds a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing from New School University and has taught college-level composition, as well as numerous fiction, non-fiction and humor workshops. For more info about one-on-one coaching and editing, email geoff@geoffkirsch.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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