I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Democrat. But I\u2019m not a Republican, either.<\/p>\n
Indeed, I\u2019m registered as an independent \u2014 and I don\u2019t mean a member of the Alaskan Independence Party, which advocates seceding from the union to become our own country. Please. Who wants to apply for another passport?<\/p>\n
No, I\u2019m an independent with a lowercase i, as in no political affiliation. In fact, I don\u2019t identify myself as anything other than a human being, and I\u2019m sure I\u2019d drop that label, too, if we ever got invaded by aliens or taken over by robots. I mean, I\u2019d vote for a robot \u2014 I voted for Al Gore in 2000, right?<\/p>\n
And so it is in my capacity as a human being \u2014 nothing more, nothing less \u2014 that I make the following entreaty.<\/p>\n
To anyone considering voting for Donald Trump:<\/p>\n
Think.<\/p>\n
And I mean turn off \u201cFox and Friends\u201d and really think.<\/p>\n
Think about why you intend to cast your ballot for perhaps the least qualified major party candidate ever to seek the highest office in the land.<\/p>\n
In fact, think about whether Donald Trump even knows what the President of the United States actually does. Surely if he had any concept of all the day-to-day duties, responsibilities and expectations of the job, he never would\u2019ve left the \u201cApprentice.\u201d You know, it\u2019s probably not too late; I\u2019m sure Schwarzenegger would understand.<\/p>\n
Think long and hard. Don\u2019t pull a hamstring or anything, but think about how a multi-billionaire who literally lives in an ivory tower managed to become the voice of the common man.<\/p>\n
Because really, Donald Trump isn\u2019t like you at all. He isn\u2019t like any of us (although he does share many Alaskans\u2019 affinity for self-tanner). Consider, for a moment, that Trump, unlike you, hasn\u2019t paid taxes for two decades; serially marries and divorces supermodels; eats pizza with a knife and fork; flies around in a private jet that cost more than you\u2019ll earn in a whole lifetime and employs a rather unorthodox \u2014 not to mention illegal \u2014 \u201chandshake\u201d when greeting strange women.<\/p>\n
The man has his own fragrance. Do you have your own fragrance?<\/p>\n
Think. Go ahead and hit your novelty Barack Obama punching bag if it helps you concentrate.<\/p>\n
Think about Donald Trump\u2019s entire campaign theme: Make America Great Again. Again. This implies we\u2019re not great now. Imperfect? Sure. But a \u201cdisaster\u201d? Really? Riddle me this: given the option of any country on earth to live \u2014 even with Hillary Clinton as president \u2014 which one would you choose? Be honest. And don\u2019t say Canada. (By the same token, HRC supporters \u2014 if she loses, let\u2019s not pretend you\u2019ll be hopping the next Greyhound to Saskatoon, either, eh?)<\/p>\n
Now think about Trump\u2019s signature policy initiative, to build a wall along our southern border. Specifically, think about China and how effective its border wall ultimately proved at keeping out foreigners. As of 2005, there\u2019s a Starbucks location there, inside the wall itself. My parents visited it; I\u2019m drinking out of my souvenir mug right now. The greatest wall in the history of walls \u2014 breeched by Dr. and Mrs. Scott D. Kirsch, two 70-year-olds from Southern California.<\/p>\n
Think about that comb-over. Credit where credit\u2019s due, it truly is a spectacular comb-over. Speaking as a bald American, myself, I applaud the dedication its maintenance must take. But come on. Does he really think he\u2019s fooling anyone?<\/p>\n
Think. Don\u2019t even wait. Just go ahead and grab your brain by the crotch.<\/p>\n
Think about what you\u2019d do if Donald Trump grabbed YOU by the crotch. At the end of the day, that seems to be his ultimate goal: to grab all of America by the crotch. Mission accomplished. Heck of a job, \u201cOrangey.\u201d<\/p>\n
Think. And don\u2019t limit your thoughts to 140 characters.<\/p>\n
Think about whether or not Donald Trump cares at all about Alaska. Say what you will about the current commander-in-chief. At least he came up here. And had a salmon spawn all over his shoes. Did you hear him cry over spilled milt? By contrast, how do you think Donald Trump would react to a little sockeye semen?<\/p>\n
Think.<\/p>\n
Think about why certain people feel the need to work out their own psychological issues on the world stage \u2014 at the expense of everyone else.<\/p>\n
Think about your own values. Think about how you live your life, treat other people, wish to be treated in return. Think about how you conduct yourself in public. Think about the language you use. Think about your own sense of personal responsibility.<\/p>\n
Think about what\u2019s more important: irking liberals \u2014 which, I\u2019ll admit, is both easy and fun \u2014 or having a functional executive branch? While you\u2019re at it, think about whether party loyalty trumps human decency.<\/p>\n
Most importantly, think about how great it will be two and a half short weeks from now, when we can finally go back to watching football.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Geoff Kirsch is a Juneau-based writer and humorist. \u201cSlack Tide\u201d appears every second and fourth Sunday in Neighbors.<\/p>\n
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