{"id":28238,"date":"2017-04-09T03:58:26","date_gmt":"2017-04-09T10:58:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/spijue.wpengine.com\/news\/thats-not-dog-poop-its-brown-gold\/"},"modified":"2017-04-09T03:58:26","modified_gmt":"2017-04-09T10:58:26","slug":"thats-not-dog-poop-its-brown-gold","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/life\/thats-not-dog-poop-its-brown-gold\/","title":{"rendered":"That\u2019s not dog poop, it\u2019s brown gold"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve said it before and I\u2019ll say it again: Alaska is full of stunningly beautiful spots to take a dump.<\/span><\/p>\n

Seriously. I saw my first Northern Lights through an outhouse vent 60 miles upriver from Willow; it was a profoundly moving experience.<\/p>\n

So I don\u2019t really fault Juneau\u2019s dog population for voiding its bowels pretty much everywhere in town. The local scenery inspires me, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

But I don\u2019t just go \u201coff pants\u201d and do my dirty work wherever I please while someone tosses me a ratty old tennis ball. That would be gross, not to mention illegal, much like failure to clean up after your dog, a finable offense rarely, if ever, enforced. Really, the police department would need to create a special task force, and what officer would take that assignment? Talk about s— detail. <\/span><\/p>\n

The dog \u201cissue\u201d becomes especially noticeable this time of year, when spring thaw uncovers a long winter of uncollected droppings. Before the tulips sprout, stink blossoms come into bloom: out the road, in the valley, downtown. I saw an especially impressive specimen on the sidewalk outside the governor\u2019s mansion the other day \u2014 perhaps the proud work of Alaska\u2019s state dog, the malamute?<\/span><\/p>\n

Obviously, there are many conscientious dog owners. Their dedication to sustainable poop management serves as a shining, squishy example to all. Personally, if I\u2019m going to devote that much attention to another living thing\u2019s digestive process, I\u2019d like that living thing to return the favor some day. That\u2019s why I had kids.<\/span><\/p>\n

Still, it\u2019s a scatological minefield out there, and someone\u2019s to blame for all the IEDs (Icky Excrement Drifts). As far as I can see, there are only two possible culprits: a) roving packs of feral dogs or b) lazy people.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hm. I\u2019ll go with b.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what I don\u2019t understand. Now, I, too, am lazy, and I mean haven\u2019t-shaved-in-ten-years lazy. But when both my kids were younger, I routinely changed \u201chot\u201d diapers on beaches, in forests, at cabins, on open skiffs, in car hatchbacks (talk about \u201ctailgating\u201d) and \u2014 my personal favorite \u2014 atop snow-packed picnic tables while cross-country skiing at the glacier. If I did that, then why can\u2019t you \u2014 and you know who you are \u2014 toss a little baggie in a trash can? There\u2019s not even any wiping involved. Or butt cream.<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, I understand certain things are part and parcel of living in Alaska. For instance, my windshield will always be cracked and my front fender dented no matter how many times I replace them.<\/span><\/p>\n

However, a turd-littered landscape shouldn\u2019t be something we accept.<\/span><\/p>\n

It may sound funny but it\u2019s no laughing matter: dog poop poses a legitimate public health concern. According to the Centers for Disease Control, when left to simply \u201cwash away\u201d\u2014 in public spaces and private yards, alike \u2014 canine feces transfers a host of disease-causing parasites to the soil; they can linger for years. In fact, the EPA classifies it as a pollutant on par with motor oil. Although who knows, the Trump administration may repeal that, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

Normally I love to complain without offering solutions, but in this instance, I\u2019d rather light a flaming bag of dog poop than curse the darkness. After all, when life hands you turds, you make lemonade (only after thoroughly washing your hands). In other words, don\u2019t let sleeping dogs lie, or crouch down and shudder like when they\u2019re about to lay one down.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now stay with me, here \u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s no secret both the State of Alaska and City and Borough of Juneau face serious fiscal challenges. And with taxes falling far below expectations, at least thus far, retail marijuana, alone, won\u2019t solve them. By the way, come on, Alaska \u2014 spark up! Throw on some Pink Floyd and stimulate the economy, already.<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, experts agree, the path toward financial stability involves exploring fresh ideas for growing the public fisc. Well, there\u2019s an alternate revenue stream right beneath our feet \u2014 literally (which reminds me, I better hose down my Bogs before I bring them back inside the house).<\/span><\/p>\n

Dog poop represents an abundant, virtually untapped resource \u2014 and most importantly, completely renewable (as long as the barge-loads of Eukanuba\u00ae keep coming).<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m telling you, it\u2019s brown gold and there are piles of it everywhere. The rest is simply a matter of marketing. I mean, the Lower 48 loves Alaska crap; I say give them what they want, in the truest sense.<\/span><\/p>\n

To that end, I officially announce the re-launch of my blog, \u201cDog Turds of Alaska,\u201d dogturdsofalaska.blogspot.com, which I originally started five years ago to celebrate the Great Alaskan Dog Turd in all its natural splendor.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I need everybody\u2019s help. Send me your dog poop photos \u2014 the more breathtaking the surroundings, the better. Fifty bucks to anyone who captures a turd in the same frame as a breaching orca.<\/span><\/p>\n

Spread the word: \u201cDog Turds of Alaska\u201d (dogturdsofalaska.blogspot.com<\/a>). Let\u2019s give the world a big, fat, juicy piece of the Last Frontier.<\/span><\/p>\n

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\u2022 \u201cSlack Tide\u201d appears every second and fourth Sunday in Neighbors. Follow Geoff Kirsch on twitter @geoffkirsch, on Facebook or email geoff@geoffkirsch.com.<\/b><\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve said it before and I\u2019ll say it again: Alaska is full of stunningly beautiful spots to take a dump. Seriously. I saw my first Northern Lights through an outhouse vent 60 miles upriver from Willow; it was a profoundly moving experience. So I don\u2019t really fault Juneau\u2019s dog population for voiding its bowels pretty […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107,"featured_media":28239,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","wds_primary_category":7,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-28238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28238","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/107"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28238"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28238\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/28239"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28238"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=28238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}