{"id":33977,"date":"2017-03-12T09:10:10","date_gmt":"2017-03-12T16:10:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/spijue.wpengine.com\/news\/spelunking-the-man-cave\/"},"modified":"2017-03-12T09:10:10","modified_gmt":"2017-03-12T16:10:10","slug":"spelunking-the-man-cave","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/life\/spelunking-the-man-cave\/","title":{"rendered":"Spelunking the man cave"},"content":{"rendered":"

Try as I might to deny it, there\u2019s no disputing the science: I have a Y chromosome. The fact-based truth is, biologically speaking, I\u2019m a man \u2014 no matter how zaftig a figure I cut in yoga pants (thanks to all the women\u2019s marching I\u2019ve been doing lately, my glutes are especially banging).<\/span><\/p>\n

In addition to manhood\u2019s traditional rights and privileges \u2014 e.g. fair contractor quotes, hassle-free outdoor peeing, the Presidency of the United States (still) \u2014 it also entitles me to something called a \u201cman cave.\u201d<\/p>\n

As a slang term, \u201cman cave\u201d belongs to the same modern lexicon as \u201cmandals,\u201d \u201cmanbun,\u201d and the ever-popular \u201cBro-zilian waxing.\u201d<\/p>\n

But of course, as a concept, the man cave has been around since the cave man. Essentially, it\u2019s a male sanctuary (or \u201cman-ctuary\u201d), a dedicated space for a man to be a man, either by himself or in the company of friends. Sort of like the YMCA, except without the communal showers. Or maybe with them \u2014 it\u2019s your cave, bro.<\/p>\n

Sure, I know all about man caves now that I\u2019ve inadvertently built myself one. But until very recently \u2014 before a few minor improvements to my garage, and then, with leftover materials, a modest expansion of our sound system \u2014 I couldn\u2019t recognize a man cave from a hole in the ground.<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s not like I was up to anything crazy: just carving out a warm dry place to hang out and break small household appliances trying to fix them. Oh, and crank up all my old Rush albums, which, like TV shows about building and\/or wrecking stuff, my wife absolutely can\u2019t stand. Although, in her defense, not many other people enjoy disassembling toaster ovens, Canadian power-trios and back-to-back alternating episodes of \u201cHow It\u2019s Made\u201d and \u201cDestroyed in Seconds.\u201d (Hm. I don\u2019t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty dope night. Shall we say Thursday? My man cave or yours?)<\/p>\n

Now, I sling my pants lower than a 15-year-old snow boarder. So every time I showed off my recent handiwork and my friends said \u201cnice man cave,\u201d I kept thinking maybe I\u2019d let my boxers slip a little too low, if you know what I mean. The other night, I did a triple take when my wife told me my man cave was threatening to consume the whole house.<\/p>\n

Because to me, a \u201cman cave\u201d sounds less like a room than something you\u2019d discuss with your proctologist; in other words, if we\u2019re talking about people, a \u201cman cave\u201d would be the guy who cuts you off making a left turn through a yield sign.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s mostly the \u201ccave\u201d part that gets me. I mean, sure, my garage is dark, and yes, it\u2019s damp \u2014 show me a garage in Juneau that isn\u2019t. Okay, there are a few Cheetos stalagmites growing in there. … And it\u2019s starting to accumulate a nice, thick layer of Pringles guano, too. Ah, Pringles guano, the very basis of the man cave ecosystem.<\/p>\n

Which brings me to my next point: What do you call entering and exploring a man cave, anyway? \u201cMan-spelunking?\u201d \u201cHe-lunking?\u201d Now that definitely sounds like it requires proctologic consult.<\/p>\n

Still, I can\u2019t call it a garage, either \u2014 \u201clet\u2019s hang out in the garage\u201d doesn\u2019t sound very enticing to anyone, except maybe a mechanic, and even then, it\u2019s still work. Plus, \u201cgarage\u201d seems kind of dandified, like eating a \u201ccroissant\u201d instead of a good-old American \u201cCroissan\u2019wich.\u201d<\/p>\n

And so I\u2019ve begun considering alternative names for my man cave, because above all else, fighting sexism begins in the home (it\u2019s certainly not going to happen in the White House, which now contains the biggest man cave of them all). I want my children to understand, in no uncertain terms, that futzing around, blasting music and wasting time are all healthy, time-honored, gender-neutral pursuits. Slacking off: the great unifier.<\/p>\n

Though I haven\u2019t yet reached a firm decision, I have identified a leading contender. My son asks to read \u201cThe Lorax\u201d no fewer than 10 times a day. In it, a character not only lives, but \u201clurks,\u201d in his \u201cLerkim.\u201d That\u2019s badass. Man, if I had a Lerkim, just think of all the great lurking I could do.<\/p>\n

No, wait. I thought of something else. The Lerkim lurker is the same character that cuts down the very last Truffula Tree. No matter your stance on commercial logging, I\u2019m sure we can all agree only a real throbbing man cave would deforest a beloved Dr. Seuss classic. So, I can\u2019t really, in good faith, go with Lerkim, either. I\u2019ll just have to lurk somewhere else, then. Lerkiteria? Lerkidrome? Lerkmenistan?<\/p>\n

Lerkmenistan it is.<\/p>\n

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\n

 <\/p>\n

\u2022 Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. \u201cSlack Tide\u201d appears every second and fourth Sunday.<\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Try as I might to deny it, there\u2019s no disputing the science: I have a Y chromosome. The fact-based truth is, biologically speaking, I\u2019m a man \u2014 no matter how zaftig a figure I cut in yoga pants (thanks to all the women\u2019s marching I\u2019ve been doing lately, my glutes are especially banging). In addition […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","wds_primary_category":7,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-33977","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33977","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/107"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=33977"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33977\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=33977"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=33977"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=33977"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=33977"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}