Well, it’s Thanksgiving again, that very special time of year when we all take a break from our busy lives to gather in the spirit of gratitude, togetherness and gravy.<\/p>\n
But of course, there’s more to Thanksgiving than pine cones and socially acceptable public pants unbuttoning (although, those are two pretty good things — the pants unbuttoning, especially).<\/p>\n
My favorite Thanksgiving custom, and I mean aside from engaging in really uncomfortable political conversations with people you thought you knew and loved? That’s right: going around the table and giving thanks.<\/p>\n
Now, since you probably weren’t at my Thanksgiving dinner — although if you were, I think you maybe inadvertently left with my wife’s Dansko clogs — I offer my own list for 2018.<\/p>\n
This year, I am thankful for:<\/p>\n
• Wearing a men’s size 13, so no one ever inadvertently leaves with MY Dansko clogs.<\/p>\n
• The official kick-off of eggnog season.<\/p>\n
• La Croix Sparkling Water, the soda addict’s methadone.<\/p>\n
• The proliferation of retail holidays, like Black Friday, which is now followed by Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday and When-the-Eff-am-I-Get-my-Own-Day? Wednesday.<\/p>\n
• UAS hiring me to teach an advanced creative writing workshop next semester. English 461-J01: Write Free or Die! A Cross-Genre Exploration of Narrative, Monday evenings, 6-9 p.m. Visit www.uas.alaska.edu<\/p>\n
• Shameless plugs.<\/p>\n
• This interesting Thanksgiving tidbit: originally imported by visiting American whaling ships, Thanksgiving is also celebrated on Norfolk Island in Australia, where, presumably, families sit down to “turduckoala” — that’s a de-boned duck stuffed inside a de-boned turkey stuffed inside a de-boned koala bear — and give thanks for Outback Steakhouse, Men At Work and Paul Hogan’s decision to stop making “Crocodile Dundee” sequels.<\/p>\n
• The “Three Wisemen”: Krazy Glue, duct tape and WD-40.<\/p>\n
• Marshmallow topping. And you can hold the sweet potatoes; their empty nutrients only get in the way.<\/p>\n
• White vinegar. That stuff cleans like bleach, but, unlike bleach, also makes a nice, tangy salad dressing.<\/p>\n
• Netflix — even at $13.99 per month for Premium, it’s still by far the cheapest babysitter in town, and the only one available at 7 a.m. on a Sunday.<\/p>\n
• Incoming Gov. Mike Dunleavy’s request for some 800-plus state employees — career civil servants, mind you, not political appointees, whose positions include geologists, pharmacists, data systems specialists and public advocates — to resign effective immediately and then reapply (read: “beg”) for their jobs. Thank you, Dunleavy, for living up to your campaign slogan “Standing Tall for Alaska” by forcing those who actually make Alaska bend over and kiss your … er, ring. And thanks for sending out the notice right before Thanksgiving, just to screw with everyone’s holiday.<\/p>\n
• Ranch dressing.<\/p>\n
• Sriracha.<\/p>\n
• Ranch dressing mixed with Sriracha; I call it “Sri-Ranch-a,” and lately I’ve been slathering it on everything.<\/p>\n
• Pepcid AC (especially pursuant to above).<\/p>\n
• Hoodies, Carhartts and baseball caps — “haute couture” for bald, fat dudes.<\/p>\n
• “Planes, Trains and Automobiles,” STILL the greatest Thanksgiving movie of all time.<\/p>\n
• Gas powered machinery, and a valid credit card with which to rent it.<\/p>\n
• My mag-torch, not only for lighting the woodstove, but, in a pinch, toasting crème brulee.<\/p>\n
• The recent inclusion of “Weird” Al Yankovic’s sleeper classic “UHF” with Amazon Prime Video. I’m telling you, that guy’s a national treasure, and quietly one of the top-selling American recording artists in history.<\/p>\n
• Giant bronze humpback whale sculptures. I’ll admit, it’s grown on me.<\/p>\n
• Kombucha and nutritional yeast. I’m pro-pro-biotic.<\/p>\n
• Google maps, which, while pretty useless driving in Juneau, consistently saves my marriage whenever we travel to the Lower 48.<\/p>\n
• Sharp tools, by which I mean other people’s sharp tools; mine are dull AF.<\/p>\n
• The decision to wear a protective cup whenever playing or coaching sports with little kids. I’m actually thinking about just rocking it 24\/7 until my son outgrows jumping into my lap knees-first.<\/p>\n
• Never quite getting around to taking down Halloween decorations — all I have to do is slap a Santa Hat on that glow-in-the-dark skeleton in the window and we’re all set for Christmas. Not sure what to do with the liquefying jack-o’-lanterns, though …<\/p>\n
• Free season ski passes for fifth graders. Now I can plow that money right into my chili cheese fries fund.<\/p>\n
• Canadian Thanksgiving, which our neighbors celebrate not on the fourth Thursday of November, but the second Monday of October. I’m guessing that’s because they use a metric calendar?<\/p>\n
• That one magical game in which the Yankees defeated the Red Sox in the 2018 American League Division Series. And then, like that, they were gone.<\/p>\n
• Alaska’s official state firearm: the pre-1964 Winchester Model 70 (although I prefer to defend myself as nature intended — with a Taser).<\/p>\n
• Most of all, in 2018, I am thankful for humor — more than at any other time in my life (well, aside from middle school; middle school was brutal). Point is, in my opinion, we can all stand to take things a lot less seriously. Except food borne pathogens — you want to stay vigilant about those.<\/p>\n
Happy Thanksgiving, Juneau. May all your surfaces (and romaine lettuce) be free of salmonella.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. \u201cSlack Tide\u201d appears every second and fourth Sunday.<\/b><\/p>\n
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