Dear Timmy:<\/p>\n
Thanks for the milk and cookies … even though I can\u2019t eat them. Next time you serve dessert, you really should ask about your guest\u2019s dietary restrictions.<\/p>\n
You see, for decades Santa has suffered from various \u201cmystery\u201d symptoms including occasional bloating, fatigue and lower-gastric upset. You know that feeling when your cheeks are like roses, your nose like a cherry and how sometimes your belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly? I just thought that was because I was merry. Turns out, it\u2019s an inflammatory autoimmune response to wheat, specifically the \u201cFrankenwheat\u201d in all those Snickerdoodles you\u2019ve been poisoning Santa with this whole time.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s right, Timmy. Santa is now gluten-free. It\u2019s only been a few weeks, but already I feel clearer of mind and spirit. Plus, all the celebrities are doing it. Did you know the Easter Bunny was recently diagnosed with Celiac disease? And I\u2019m pretty sure the Tooth Fairy adopted his diet. I know they\u2019re trying to conceive, so she\u2019s definitely avoiding sushi, cold cuts, soft cheeses, any type of nut butter and all jerkied meats. Just FYI.<\/p>\n
So, vis-\u00e0-vis the cookies … Pure rolled oats are okay. So is flour made from rice, corn, sorghum, tapioca, quinoa, millet, amaranth, chia and\/or teff. Bear in mind gluten-free baked goods tend to have an odd mouth feel. Elisabeth Hasselbeck suggests compensating with xanthan gum. Blitzen lent me his copy of her book, \u201cG-Free Diet: A Gluten Survival Guide.\u201d Little known fact, reindeer love \u201cThe View.\u201d<\/p>\n
Now, I should also mention my naturopath thinks I\u2019m allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, coconuts, chocolate \u2014 carob chips only, please \u2014 shellfish (except scallops, for some odd reason) and soy. Plus, I generally avoid legumes, unless I know I won\u2019t be in public later and it isn\u2019t Santa and Mrs. Claus\u2019 \u201cnight.\u201d<\/p>\n
Speaking of which, we watched a rather intriguing documentary recently, \u201cFood, Inc.\u201d Ever since, I like to know the complete narrative of anything I put into my body.<\/p>\n
For instance, what type of eggs did you use in the batter: \u201cOmega-3\u201d, organic, vegetarian-fed, free-range, pasture-raised? These are important distinctions. Of course, Santa suffers from lecithin hypersensitivity, so I actually don\u2019t eat eggs at all, except for ostrich eggs, which are very expensive and extremely difficult to find. But please, don\u2019t put yourself out. I\u2019m only Father Christmas. What did I ever do for you?<\/p>\n
While we\u2019re on the subject, I\u2019m pretty sure I\u2019ve got fructose malabsorption, too. I read all about it on Gwyneth Paltrow\u2019s blog \u2014 so no pawpaws, papayas, star fruit, figs, dates or fortified wine. Santa can, however, tolerate most Charles Shaw varietals. Man, I hope Trader Joe\u2019s opens a North Pole location. There\u2019s a Whole Foods down in Canada, but it\u2019s not the same.<\/p>\n
Oh, yeah. Santa\u2019s also vegan, paleo, kosher AND halal, just to be safe. So I can only wash down those gluten-free, fructose-less, free-range ostrich egg cookies with rice milk. Unless, of course, you happen to have raw un-pasteurized goat milk? Santa would drink raw un-pasteurized goat milk like a boss.<\/p>\n
On second thought, it\u2019s going to be a long night. I\u2019d rather have some coffee, if it\u2019s not too much trouble: shade-grown, organic, fair trade and 100% certified carbon-free … and yes, I\u2019d like to inspect the certification documents. Make mine a Venti skinny decaf sweetened with three drops of liquid stevia extract. You\u2019ve probably noticed, Santa\u2019s put on a few pounds in recent years. That half-marathon\u2019s not going to train for itself.<\/p>\n
Wait, what am I talking about? I forgot I\u2019m following the Master Cleanse diet to detox from Advent. Santa\u2019s still in the induction phase, which limits dietary intake to water and lemon juice. Although you can add as much cayenne pepper as you want, so it\u2019s not so bad.<\/p>\n
Anyway, Timmy, those are Santa\u2019s dietary restrictions. But now we really must dash away, dash away, dash away, all. Lots of houses to cover, and I\u2019m going to have to go through the same explanation over and over and over again. In retrospect, Santa should have just gone on \u201cDr. Oz.\u201d<\/p>\n
Namaste,<\/p>\n
Santa Claus<\/p>\n
P.S. Relax, as you can see, I haven\u2019t left you a lump of coal. From now on, all children \u2014 both naughty and nice \u2014 will receive solar panels in their stockings. Santa\u2019s colon hydro-therapist mid-wifed for a VP at Solyndra; she got Santa a great deal. Only problem is, now he and Mrs. Claus are elves-deep in photovoltaic technology.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Geoff Kirsch lives and writes in Juneau.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Timmy: Thanks for the milk and cookies … even though I can\u2019t eat them. Next time you serve dessert, you really should ask about your guest\u2019s dietary restrictions. You see, for decades Santa has suffered from various \u201cmystery\u201d symptoms including occasional bloating, fatigue and lower-gastric upset. You know that feeling when your cheeks are […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","wds_primary_category":7,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-4154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4154","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/107"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4154"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4154\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4154"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4154"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4154"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=4154"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}