Now, I\u2019m certainly not suggesting that retail marijuana is a cure-all \u2014 although I hear it\u2019s pretty good for headaches and nausea (not to mention Pink Floyd laser-light shows). <\/p>\n
And I neither condone nor condemn its use, provided you\u2019re of legal age and not operating heavy machinery. Plus, of course, there\u2019s nothing funny about substance abuse, except maybe the first two Cheech and Chong movies, and even then it helps to have a buzz.<\/p>\n
However, Alaska\u2019s hemorrhaging money, and marijuana-based tax revenue \u2014 projected in the tens of millions annually \u2014 stands to be a lot more than just a Band-Aid fix (more like high grade surgical staples, actually). <\/p>\n
In fact, the state estimates collecting between $5.1 million and $19.2 million in taxes the first year alone, a total largely dependent on whether or not Snoop Dogg makes good on last September\u2019s promise to play a concert in Alaska if we passed Ballot Measure 2. We lived up to our end. Where\u2019s Snoop?<\/p>\n
Point is, Alaska, we\u2019re looking at a whole bong-load of money. But so far, no financial institution has proved willing to serve pot shops; marijuana remains illegal at the national level and federal regulations prohibit banks from accepting money derived from \u201ccriminal enterprise.\u201d <\/p>\n
That means, like other states with legalized retail marijuana \u2014 BTW, Colorado recently announced its marijuana retail industry is on pace to add $125 million to the public fisc for 2015 \u2014 Alaskan businesses will be forced to deal in cash only. That\u2019s also how they\u2019ll pay their taxes, all $5.1-$19.2 million of them. To put it in perspective, envision a stack of one-dollar bills as tall as the Burj Khalifa (at 2,772 feet, it would take exactly $7.7 million to reach the tip of its spire). <\/p>\n
For Alaska\u2019s Tax Division, this presents various issues \u2014 security, counting mechanisms, space \u2014 in addition to the obvious underlying question: How do we manage this tower of revenue?<\/p>\n
In fact, earlier this month the Tax Division announced a series of public brainstorming sessions hoping to elicit \u201ccreative ideas\u201d on the subject. There\u2019s one at 11 a.m. Thursday, Oct. 1, at Centennial Hall. It\u2019s sure to be a hoot.<\/p>\n
Of course, when it comes to economics, few brains are stormier than mine \u2014 it\u2019s like a winter weather advisory up in this piece.<\/p>\n
So, in case you\u2019ve got something better to do at 11 a.m. on a weekday than listen to \u201ccreative ideas\u201d from people who don\u2019t \u2014 on the subject of marijuana, no less \u2014 here are my thoughts concerning what Alaska might do with all its pot money: <\/p>\n
\u2022 Pursue a lawsuit against one Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr., aka \u201cSnoop Dogg,\u201d for breach of verbal contract. Seriously. He promised. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Stash it under a giant mattress, preferably obtained at Mattress Ranch. Why shouldn\u2019t Ted Saddler get a taste? If only we knew where to find a Mattress Ranch outle \u2014 Oh, right! Across from J.C. Penney\u2019s warehouse on Arctic \u2014 that\u2019s where they is (sic). Also across from the Bus Barn in Wasilla.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Ring the bell at every bar in Alaska. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Distribute televisions to all those righteous individuals who make a special point of not owning one, even though the minute their kids are asleep they mainline \u201cHouse of Cards\u201d and \u201cOrange is the New Black\u201d on their 12-inch MacBooks. Sorry, not only does that still count as watching TV, it\u2019s watching TV on a really crappy little TV. <\/p>\n
\u2022 While you\u2019re at it, throw in some cable. You know, for the World Series, March Madness, the presidential debates, etc. That way I can come over to your house to watch stuff like that for a change.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Start but never finish construction on a whole bunch of ill-advised bridge and highway projects.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Sink it into pull-tabs.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Take a page from \u201cBreaking Bad\u201d and open a car wash. Then, when we\u2019ve outstripped the car wash\u2019s money-laundering ability, we stuff it into steel drums and bury it in the New Mexico desert. Then we go back to our jobs teaching 10th-grade chemistry.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Get my kids something from a vending machine every single time they beg me \u2014 $19.2 million a year would just about cover it. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Stack it up into a pile as tall as the Burj Khalifa. I mean, that\u2019s what Dubai did with all its money.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Statewide build-your-own sundae night. Come on. This is a solid initiative \u2014 and bipartisan, too. Not to mention delicious.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Acquire rights to complete Beatles catalogue.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Buy a Chevy Camaro IROC-Z with tinted windows, chrome rims and ground effects. What? That\u2019s what all the pot dealers at my high school growing up on Long Island would do. That\u2019s how everyone knew they were pot dealers. <\/p>\n
\u2022 As long as we\u2019re brainstorming, I\u2019ll take a pony. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Bring President Obama back up here. That was fun.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Reopen the bars on the Alaska Marine Highway ferries. Those were also fun. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Invest in some of those special \u201cice blankets\u201d they\u2019ve been throwing down to slow the melting of glaciers in the Alps. Or, a whole bunch of those instant cooling snap towels. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Two words: Cayman Islands. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Why not copy those Mexican cartel bosses? You know, get a fleet of Bentleys, our own private racetrack, maybe a few pet baby panthers on gold leashes\u2026<\/p>\n
Of course, we could always use the new budgetary windfall to restore cuts to public welfare, education and the arts.<\/p>\n
But what fun is that?<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cSlack Tide\u201d runs every other Sunday in Neighbors. Follow Geoff\u2019s daily Twitter feed @geoffkirsch.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Now, I\u2019m certainly not suggesting that retail marijuana is a cure-all \u2014 although I hear it\u2019s pretty good for headaches and nausea (not to mention Pink Floyd laser-light shows). And I neither condone nor condemn its use, provided you\u2019re of legal age and not operating heavy machinery. Plus, of course, there\u2019s nothing funny about substance […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","wds_primary_category":7,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-6497","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6497","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/107"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6497"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6497\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6497"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6497"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6497"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=6497"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}