{"id":9725,"date":"2016-02-14T09:02:21","date_gmt":"2016-02-14T17:02:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/spijue.wpengine.com\/news\/slacktide-36-random-thoughts-while-waiting-for-it-to-snow-again\/"},"modified":"2016-02-14T09:02:21","modified_gmt":"2016-02-14T17:02:21","slug":"slacktide-36-random-thoughts-while-waiting-for-it-to-snow-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/life\/slacktide-36-random-thoughts-while-waiting-for-it-to-snow-again\/","title":{"rendered":"Slacktide: 36 random thoughts while waiting for it to snow again"},"content":{"rendered":"

1.<\/strong> I wonder what happened to all our snow?<\/p>\n

2. <\/strong>And what happened to the Canadian reggae singer Snow? You know, he scored a hit in the early 90s with that song \u201cInformer.\u201d<\/p>\n

3.<\/strong> I\u2019ll tell you what happened: we had one of the hottest, wettest six-week stretches on record. And not hot and wet in a good way.<\/p>\n

4. <\/strong>I\u2019m guessing the other Snow joined the witness protection program? You know, after all the informing he did.<\/p>\n

5.<\/strong> With an average temperature of 34.9 degrees \u2014 6.6. degrees above normal \u2014 Juneau experienced its ninth-warmest January since 1936. Come on, guys, ninth? We can do better than that \u2014 quick, go trade in your new Nissan Leaf for a Range Rover or a Hummer or some other gas-guzzling behemoth, like a Prius.<\/p>\n

6.<\/strong> And we were off to such a promising December, too\u2026 Oh, well. That\u2019s the way the Pacific Decadal Oscillation oscillates.<\/p>\n

7.<\/strong> Maybe we\u2019re being punished by the universe for failing to adequately support the Wal-Mart it so graciously bestowed upon us.<\/p>\n

8. <\/strong>I\u2019ve said it before, and I\u2019ll say it again: Juneau\u2019s weather is like a bad girlfriend\/boyfriend. \u201cOh, no, I promise it\u2019ll be different this time,\u201d it seems to say, and maybe it is for a while \u2014 like around the holidays, for instance, things were wonderful. But then it turns crappy again and stays that way until you\u2019re ready to call it quits, and then it gets all nice again, but only just enough to keep you hanging on.<\/p>\n

9. <\/strong>Indefinitely.<\/p>\n

10.<\/strong> What\u2019s the plural form of Leaf, anyway? Nissan \u201cLeaves\u201d? Or do we go with the Toronto Maple Leafs model? You know, metric plural?<\/p>\n

11. <\/strong>On the bright side, no snow means not putting on shoes to go pee off the back deck.<\/p>\n

12.<\/strong> Of course, it also means dealing with all the junk you thought you could hide under the berm at the bottom of your driveway.<\/p>\n

13. <\/strong>A week and a half ago, Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter\u2026 sure, for the Lower 48. As of 2009\u2019s Senate Bill 58, we Alaskans don\u2019t observe Groundhog Day; we celebrate Marmot Day. Well, it\u2019s been seven years now \u2014 seven years and 12 days, actually \u2014 and nary a marmot has weighed in with a prognostication. That\u2019s so like our Legislature to declare an official Marmot Day but then never name an official marmot? How are we supposed to schedule the next month and a half without the opinion of a state-sanctioned ground squirrel?<\/p>\n

14. <\/strong>When life hands you a marmot-less Marmot Day, you make marmot-less-Marmot-Day-ade.<\/p>\n

15. <\/strong>And I\u2019m an optimist. I look at my glass of marmot-less-Marmot-Day-ade as half-full.<\/p>\n

16.<\/strong> Think of all the money the state\u2019s saving on plowing and sanding this year. Certainly enough to fund a line item in next year\u2019s budget for a state marmot.<\/p>\n

17. <\/strong>Maybe even a few marmots, you know, to keep as understudies.<\/p>\n

18.<\/strong> I\u2019ll admit it: I\u2019m glad not to be out there chipping ice from my driveway with a splitting maul.<\/p>\n

19. <\/strong>I sure could use a blizzard right about now. Or a \u201cBlizzard\u201d (with brownies, cookie dough and peanut butter cups).<\/p>\n

20.<\/strong> Too bad there\u2019s no Dairy Queen in Juneau, either.<\/p>\n

21. <\/strong>A snowflake consists of roughly 1,019 water molecules, coincidentally the same number of times I\u2019ve heard the term \u201cEl Ni\u00f1o\u201d since New Year\u2019s.<\/p>\n

22. <\/strong>Kids aren\u2019t nearly as excited to go out and play in the sleet.<\/p>\n

23. <\/strong>Who can blame them? Would you want to have a snain ball fight or build a wintry-mix man?<\/p>\n

24.<\/strong> Although, slush angels are kind of fun. Just ask my son.<\/p>\n

25. <\/strong>It\u2019s nice to stroll around downtown without an ice axe, crampons and a partner on belay.<\/p>\n

26. <\/strong>Snow that falls in the form of a ball rather than a flake is called \u201cgraupel\u201d or \u201csoft hail\u201d (although, be warned, it\u2019s a little touchy about its turgidity, so you should probably go with \u201cgraupel,\u201d at least to its face).<\/p>\n

27. <\/strong>Rekindle your love of the great indoors. Every day can be a powder day, provided you have enough confectioner\u2019s sugar.<\/p>\n

28. <\/strong>You probably won\u2019t get \u201csnow blindness.\u201d Warning: you are still very much susceptible to \u201cbeer goggles.\u201d That\u2019s an all-season, all-weather affliction. Just ask my wife \u2014 she continues to suffer the after-effects of a particularly rough bout she had, let\u2019s see, it\u2019ll be 16 years ago this coming March. Which reminds me, better buy some flowers or something.<\/p>\n

29. <\/strong>Does missing the smell of snow-blower exhaust make me a shoddy environmentalist?<\/p>\n

30. <\/strong>But I am jonesing for it, though; I\u2019m tempted to go mow the lawn.<\/p>\n

31. <\/strong>I wonder how many snow cone makers it\u2019d take to re-cover the sledding hill. How much cherry syrup?<\/p>\n

32. <\/strong>Donald Trump should grow a handlebar moustache.<\/p>\n

33. <\/strong>Did you hear they banned gun sales on Facebook? Don\u2019t worry, you can still use it to buy knives, swords, brass knuckles, tactical throwing axes, nunchuks and strap-on stainless steel hand claws.<\/p>\n

34. <\/strong>My mildew garden is flourishing\u2026 and by mildew garden, I mean my siding.<\/p>\n

35. <\/strong>By the second week of February, snowfall at sea level in Juneau should exceed 60 inches. So far this winter, we\u2019ve only seen 33; that\u2019s about 30 inches less than average. But of course, as any weatherman will tell you, it\u2019s not the size of your snowfall that matters \u2014 it\u2019s how you use it.<\/p>\n

36. <\/strong>Better start planning for summer now \u2014 there\u2019s a really good chance it\u2019s also going to be 43 degrees and raining every day.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Geoff Kirsch\u2019s Slacktide comes out the second and fourh Sunday of the month. He can be reached at geoff@geoffkirsch.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

1. I wonder what happened to all our snow? 2. And what happened to the Canadian reggae singer Snow? You know, he scored a hit in the early 90s with that song \u201cInformer.\u201d 3. I\u2019ll tell you what happened: we had one of the hottest, wettest six-week stretches on record. And not hot and wet […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","wds_primary_category":7,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-9725","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9725","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/107"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9725"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9725\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9725"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9725"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9725"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.juneauempire.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=9725"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}