teaser

Slack Tide: Good day, sunshine

Good morning, good morning, here comes the sun king.

By Geoff Kirsch

For the Juneau Empire

Let’s not beat around the bush: I’d make a terrible nudist.

First of all, no belt loops. What am I supposed do with my thumbs? And where do I clip my Leatherman? I’d feel naked without it.

Then, of course, there’s my “dad bod,” which is really more like two dad bods glopped onto one dad skeleton.

But really, the main thing keeping my clothes on (aside from not wanting to get arrested) is this: I’m extraordinarily pale, the gingeriest ginger you’ll ever meet. I make Ed Sheeran look like Jason Momoa.

As such, I can’t ever allow the sun to shine where-the-sun-don’t-shine. You know how at the end of “Gremlins” the cute furry gremlin kills the mutant monster gremlin by opening the shade and melting him? That’s what happens when you expose me to direct sunlight, too.

To put it yet another way: your day at the beach is my worst nightmare. In fact, May through September, spending more than 15 minutes in pretty much any outdoor setting requires as much sun protection as I can tolerate, including one of those ridiculous floppy bucket hats and those even more ridiculous zip-off pants. At least I don’t wear a fanny pack.

But not in Juneau.

Ah, beautiful sunless Juneau, a location depicted by the “Twilight” series as housing a whole vampire clan (fittingly enough, a “vegetarian” vampire clan). Turns out, it proves an ideal home for the ultra-pale, too—or, as we prefer to call ourselves, Alabaster-Americans.

Ever since I moved here 17 years ago, I’ve hardly worried about sunburn at all. Not only do we average something like 300 cloudy days a year. Even when it’s “sunny,” this is Juneau; you’re never very far from shade.

In fact, that’s a big reason I stayed, despite all the vampires. Just the savings on aloe-vera gel alone…

Don’t get me wrong. I dig sunshine. It enables life on Earth. And I certainly appreciate a break from wearing Xtra Tuffs, unless I’m going to a wedding and I need to dress up.

Plus, there’s so precious little sun here in the world’s largest boreal rain forest, you can’t help but prize it. Like decent avocados, you take as much as you can get, whenever you can get it (and then gorge yourself sick on guacamole before it all starts to rot).

And so I welcome the lengthening days and intensifying rays of early Southeastern

Alaskan summer, even though I feel guilty watching TV when the sun’s still out. Oh well, I’ll get over it.

Plus, there’s nothing like increased daylight to make you feel like you want to do things. And sometimes, all you really need is to feel like you want to do things, instead of actually doing those things, just to confirm you haven’t lost all your motivation.

And, of course, more sunshine means lower electric bills—although, it also means increased expenditure on beer and ice cream, so they kind of offset.

Friends and family in the Lower 48 often ask me about the light/dark thing (also the time difference—how hard is the concept of the Alaska Time Zone?).

I tell them this: up here, daylight is something to track the steady, daily progress of, like baseball statistics or the accumulation of dishes in the drying rack before someone finally puts them back in the cabinet.

I also tell them it’s way easier to light darkness than it is to darken lightness. In fact, I still haven’t found a curtain that fully lives up to its “black-out” promises. Not even plywood.

Then—right before explaining, yet again, how you take California time and subtract an hour—I mention how everyone in Alaska is clinically Vitamin D deficient. This explains why every little kid around here rips off all their clothes any time the clouds part out even for a minute, even if the thermometer barely tops 45.

Speaking of which, on second thought, maybe I will risk a little naked sunbathing, after all—just a few minutes, right on the deck. I better notify the neighbors first; I’d hate to get animal control up here checking on reports of a wild orangutan loose in the area.

Although, what’s the worst that can happen? They shoot me with a tranquilizer gun? Whatever, I’m not driving anywhere.

• Geoff Kirsch is an award-winning Juneau-based writer and humorist. “Slack Tide” appears twice monthly in Neighbors.

More in Neighbors

Orange apricot muffins ready to eat. (Photo by Patty Schied)
Cooking For Pleasure: Orange apricot muffins for breakfast

A few years ago when I had a bag of oranges and… Continue reading

Tari Stage-Harvey is pastor of Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church. (Courtesy photo)
Living and Growing: Watching our words for other people

I could be wrong, but the only time Jesus directly talks about… Continue reading

A person walks along the tideline adjacent to the Airport Dike Trail on Thursday. (Laurie Craig / Juneau Empire file photo)
Gimme A Smile: Help me up

I fell on the ice the other day. One minute, I was… Continue reading

Brent Merten is the pastor of Christ Lutheran Church, Juneau. (Courtesy photo)
Living and Growing: Imagine the comfort of Jesus’ promise of heaven

Earlier this month, former president Jimmy Carter died at the age of… Continue reading

(Juneau Empire File)
Community calendar of upcoming events

This is a calendar updated daily of upcoming local events during the… Continue reading

Caesar salad ready to serve. (Photo by Patty Schied)
Cooking For Pleasure: Restaurant-style Caesar salad

When I go to a fine restaurant and Caesar salad is on… Continue reading

(Photo by Gina Del Rosario)
Living and Growing: Free will

Genesis 1: 26 -28 And God said, Let us make man in… Continue reading

Becky Corson is a member of Shepherd Of The Valley Lutheran Church. (Photo provided by Becky Corson)
Living and Growing: ‘Secondhand’ can be a wonderful way to go

These clothing sales are ruining my life. Maybe that’s an overstatement. It’s… Continue reading

A sculpture of Constantine the Great by Philip Jackson in York. (Public domain photo republished under a Creative Commons license)
Living and Growing: Christianity or Churchianity?

Several cruise ship passengers arriving in Juneau this September were greeted on… Continue reading

Szechwan-style fish ready to serve. (Photo by Patty Schied)
Cooking For Pleasure: Fish Szechwan style

Ever since I started writing this column, I have debated whether to… Continue reading

Fred LaPlante is the pastor at Juneau Church of the Nazarene. (Courtesy photo)
Living and Growing: Reflections from Advent

Do you feel pulled in so many directions this Christmas season? I… Continue reading

Members of the Juneau Ski Team offer cookies and other treats to people in the Senate Mall during this year’s Gallery Walk on Friday, Dec. 6. (Mark Sabbatini / Juneau Empire file photo)
Gimme A Smile: Gifts through the ages

Why is it that once the gift-giving holidays are over and the… Continue reading